Thursday, July 16, 2009

You Lazy Bastard.

I know, I know. I haven’t posted anything in a while. I could blame my slack-assery on several things, like my current, ongoing battle with my local financial aid office regarding how the hell I’m going to pay for next semester, but the truth is that I’ve just been lazy. I promise you that new shit is currently in the works, but until I get a chance to polish my work I’m not about to release my insane ramblings into the cruel world of internet commenter’s. For now, I shall try and appease you with several photos that make me laugh. Enjoy!!!

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

I made the best movie ever

I found a website where you can make your own movie. Check out my first effort. I call it "Anal Sex and Waffles: A Spike Lee Joint."

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

How the Hell do You Bite Someone's Eye Out???

Apparently a dude in a wheel chair got high on PCP, bit his son's eye out, and tried to saw his leg off. That's what I call "handy capable."

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Seal are Assholes!!!!!

I GOT IN A CONVERSATION EARLIER About how much you would have to pay me to kill a puppy or a babt seal with my bare hands. I said 500 bucks per puppy, considering I could destroy as many as my heart could handle,but my stupid roomate said she would never do it. Not even for a billion dollars. I can respect that, but then she said she would take out a possum for like 10 bucks.

Thats crazy to me. I am by no means a possum fan,nor do I have some weird grudge against puppies, but I think that the PETA mentality that keeps us from clubbing baby seals or smushing a puppy should also apply to the ugly animals. You could make the argument that possums are a pain in the ass, but who out there hasn't stepped in dog shit? And the only reason baby seals aren't a problem is the fact they are so far away. I bet baby seals are dicks. So, my question is how much would it take for you to kill a puppy with your bar hands? Also, how much to club a baby seal?


Saturday, May 16, 2009

What You bitches know about Popsicles!?!

One day I got bored and took a picture of my penis

don't judge me.

like I'm the only one out there with a picture of their genitals on their cell phone. Well, I tell you that shameful little detail to tell you this hilarious story.

I was out last night and drinking a shit ton of sake which, by the way, is always a bad idea. As the night goes on, I get drunk out of my gourd and decide to set the picture of my penis as my cell phone back ground. I can't remember why doing that was so funny to me, but I do know I got a hell of a kick out of it! well I woke up this morning confused and ashamed, as usual, but this time something was different.

My cell was making these fucked up Nintendo beeps and bloops. Once I got a close look at my phone, I realized it was fucked! I could turn it on and off, but none of the buttons work! I can't reset the background on my phone or make an outgoing call! I don't mind my phone being broken, it has happened before. I normally just take it to Verizon and they check it out, if there is nothing that can be done, I send it out to my phone insurance company to get a new one.

HOW THE HELL DO I WALK IN TO THE VERIZON WITH A PICTURE OF MY COCK ON MY CELLPHONE AND ASK THEM TO FIX IT? Should I explain myself and let the tech dude know I was drunk and thought it would be funny? Say that YES that is in fact my cock, not some random third party dick from a guy you don't even know. Or do I just act like nothing is wrong. Just be like "yea that's a dick. So what!" and and act as if this isn't the weirdest situation me and this dude have ever been put in. Plus, I'm worried about about the legal ramifications. Is it illegal to show someone a picture of your whoopee stick even if you don't want to? Could you imagine getting arrested for this? I'm pretty sure I would end up on the sex offenders list. I am also to cheep to buy a new phone and avoid this hilariously humiliating situation. some one help me!!! I have no idea what to do!

I miss Myspace

I miss Myspace. As we all know, the days of Myspace are pretty much gone. This isn't necessarily a bad thing considering the last year of it's existence the only friend requests and comments most people where getting where from cam Whores and Shitty bands that no one would ever enjoy, unless their son is actually in the band.

What I miss about Myspace is the blog section. I used this feature, pretty frequently, to express my love of monkeys doing bad ass stuff and tell all the dick jokes running through my head on a daily basis. in order to convey my often warped opinions and off the wall toilet humor, I have decided that I need to begin writing a blog.

I hope everyone that reads my "drunken ramblings" can take something amusing from my off the wall stories. If not, you are probably the type of person that thinks Carlos Mencia is funny... so go fuck yourself.